Susan's Return
by 2smrt4u
Summary: Susan never forgot, but she was never good at coping. Her reflections on her life until she returns to Narnia again.


Disclaimer: Seeing that I'm alive and a girl, I'd say that I'm _not_ C. S. Lewis, and I don't own the characters or the places.  
A/N: This is a redo of Return to Narnia. It's a story about Susan and her return to Narnia/Aslan's Country. I've always hated how Susan is left after The Last Battle, and the idea was stuck in my head after watching the movie this morning. Furthermore, I was skimming Return and realized that I didn't like how it was written at all. So I wrote this.  
Warning: I didn't feel like finding someone to edit this. Microsoft Word thinks it's okay, though. There isn't a lot of speaking or action. It's mostly just Susan thinking.

* * *

I was always the one that liked to read instead of play. I did well in school, and took pride in my grades. My recall was excellent. Not brave, but cautious, I tried to keep my siblings from rushing willy-nilly into things. It was always three against one in this manner, even when we were grown. Peter, Lucy, and Edmund were all brave and never liked to stop and question how dangerous an adventure might be. That was my job, and none of them ever really understood my importance.

I was crushed when I was told that I was no longer young enough to enter Narnia. For a year or so I was fine. But after Eustace and Jill's last adventure, I decided that I did not want to suffer my family's pity any longer. For the past two years, I had been throwing myself into school and making friends. After the first adventure, I had spent a year on my own, trying to become a child and not a Queen again. But after my second (and final) adventure, I was suddenly a 'social butterfly'. And Peter, Lucy, and Edmund seemed to think that I should be content with two or three friends and endless talk of Narnia.

So I 'forgot'. I staged it gradually. I spoke of Narnia less and less, and made excuses to leave the room when the others started on it. Finally I convinced them all that I had 'forgotten'. Perhaps they forgot about my excellent memory. I spent every night reliving the memories, and the stories the others had passed on. After my acceptance of Narnia, it had become more real to me than the real world. Nobody seemed to realize.

Perhaps it was because they did not understand my relationship with Narnia and Aslan. I was always a doubter, always wanted to be sure of things before I plunged ahead—that was how I entered Narnia both times. They remembered _that_. I never had the same connection to Aslan that the others did. Peter was High King, and Aslan had taught him how to lead. Edmund…Aslan gave his life for Edmund's. I don't think Edmund ever really doubted for long after that. And then Lucy. Lucy, who always was the _first_ to find Narnia and Aslan, who was the pet of everyone, Lucy was always the brave believer, and I was always the scared doubter.

Lucy the Valiant. Edmund the Just. Peter the Magnificent. And I was just Susan the Gentle. Peter was the High King. Edmund was renowned for his fairness, the redeemed Pevensie. Lucy was the golden, bold, engaging Queen. Everyone liked Lucy. I was beautiful, I was sweet, and no one took me seriously unless I had a bow in my hands.

So it was not Aslan, though I loved him dearly, that was the most important thing about Narnia to me. It was not ruling as the Gentle Queen. It was, despite coming in fourth, the _belonging, _the sense that I had been created to live in Narnia, that kept my memories as fresh as if it had only been a day ago. But I was ever practical and quiet, and perhaps they never saw this—though they certainly knew the feeling of belonging.

Since Narnia was bared to me, I threw myself into growing up. Friends, boys, clothes, new things…anything to take my mind off the gaping hole in my heart that was Narnia. The Friends of Narnia didn't understand what I was doing, or why. They only made it worse, lecturing me every chance they got. 'Remember, Su, how much fun we had?' Every memory of Narnia was painful and soothing at the same time, but every time I had to pretend that Narnia wasn't real tore my heart in two.

And then they were gone, all of them. The train crashed, obliterating my family. No one understood how calm I was, but I knew. They were in Narnia, even my parents. They were home, where I could not go. Would I even be allowed, when my day came, for all of the terrible lies I told?

I was twenty-one, as beautiful and as charming and as kind as I had been in Narnia. I was twenty-one, just entering the real world, but the best part of my life was over. And it seemed now, the more I sobbed and yearned for my family and my country, and the more I forced myself to carry on as I had before, the less real Narnia seemed to me. It was a self-made trap: so many years of denying Narnia slowly destroyed my memories. I should have seen it coming, but I had been too preoccupied with this world and remembering that I never questioned the clarity of my memories.

It terrified me. I sat down and wrote down everything. It took ages, but it made me feel safer.

I was alone in a crowd of people, alone with ghosts and memories. Until something happened that reminded me of who I was.

&.&.&

His name was Jack, and he was one of my admirers. I had always thought he was one of the best—polite, charming, sweet. He was a very flat personality, and he had none of the best qualities that I had seen in people, but he was nice enough. But then he started wanting more—more kisses and touches and gesturers and words and promises. I didn't want to kiss him or fall in love with him or marry him, but Jack was insistent.

And then one night he pushed me against the wall and kissed me. I wanted to cry, for what could I do? Jack was bigger and stronger, and I was just a girl.

'_Once a King or Queen in Narnia, always a King or Queen in Narnia.'_

It was as real as life, as if Aslan stood beside me and spoke. I had been twelve when I was crowned a queen. I had been twenty-six when I left Narnia. I was Susan the Gentle, Susan of the Horn. I could shot an arrow better than dwarves and anyone else who challenged me. I was kind, gentle, compassionate, cautious…but I had killed the dwarf who sought to kill Edmund. I was not weak!

I pushed Jack roughly away and straightened, holding myself the way I did when court was held. "Never come near me again," I ordered in my Queen's voice, strong but gentle, firm but kind.

From that day forth, I held myself straighter and acted firmer. It was difficult to stop myself from speaking in the formal language I had adapted to in court. My slow loss of memories from Narnia was halted. But there was a downside to this newfound confidence in who I am. I was increasingly aware that I was not in Narnia. I missed my family and my country, and by acknowledging to myself my status I was constantly reminded of all that I was missing.

&.&.&

I lasted two years without my family. And then it was just too painful, the constant ache for their faces and the faces of all those that lived only in my memory. I wept nightly, wishing that I could be home again. There was no one left to talk to about Narnia, no one left to miss it with me. How I wished that I had not pretended to forget! If only I had asked for help (I had never considered this, I had never needed help before, and I had not wanted to need help now) from my siblings, if I had remembered with them and died with them and returned to Narnia with them!

My friends drifted away. The few who remained felt I needed some sort of counseling for my depression. But I knew that there was only one person who could help me.

Aslan.

I got my wish exactly two years and two months after the anniversary of my family's deaths. One day I fell asleep, and opened my eyes in a thick wood. A pool stood behind me, and through the trees I saw another. My eyes felt heavy, and I sat down to sleep again, though I was sure that I had just been asleep.

Aslan appeared then, out of the trees. This shocked me out of my sleepiness, and I sat up, stumbling toward him.

"Aslan!"

"Susan the Gentle, Daughter of Eve."

"Where am I, Aslan?"

He smiled. "The Wood between the Worlds. You have a choice, Susan. You may return to your world to finish out your life. Time will heal your wounds, and you will be content until the day your life ends and you come to my country to be with your family. Or you can come with me now, and leave behind your friends without goodbye."

I wish it had been otherwise, but there was no hesitation when I answered him. "I will go now. The world has not been my home since I first came to Narnia."

"Then sit on my back and hold on, and I will take you to my country."

It was like the first adventure, just after the Stone Table, all over again. We flew through the forest and suddenly we came down off a mountain. My heart sang, for this was Narnia—but Narnia so more real and alive than the one I had known had been.

"The Narnia you knew is gone," Aslan said quietly. "This is the true Narnia."

My eyes drank it up. The hole in my heart was gone, replaced with over flowing happiness. I was more than home now.

"Thank you, Aslan, thank you!"

Out of the mists we walked, down onto the plains of Narnia. A crowd had gathered, but they were all facing the wrong direction to see us. In the front I saw Peter, and beside him I knew would be Edmund and Lucy and Eustace and Jill and Polly and the Professor. I turned to Aslan, and he nodded. I took off like an arrow from my bow.

"Pardon me, excuse me, pardon me," I gasped, pushing through the crowds. People heard me and began to part ahead. With one last gasped apology, I threw myself into Peter, who was half-turned to see what the commotion was.

"Peter," I sobbed, holding him tightly. "Peter."

"What?" he asked, trying to push me away.

"It's Susan," I cried, clutching tighter. "I'm Susan, come home."

"Su?" he queried. "Su!"

There were other arms around me suddenly, and I heard Edmund and Lucy shouting my name (in my ear).

"You remembered!" was Lucy's shout. "I told you and told you and now you remember! Oh, Susan, I _missed _you!"

"I never forgot," I whispered. "I'm not brave like you, Lu. I couldn't handle talking about it, or your pity, and I thought that if I told you I forgot you'd leave me alone. Oh, I missed you too, Lu, Ed!"

Later, we sat down and spoke in depth of it. And after that, those years were never mentioned again, just as we never spoke of the time when Edmund betrayed us. It didn't matter, anyway. We were all home in Narnia, where we belonged.

* * *

So, that's it. I've got a question for everyone. I'm considering doing a more canon fic, where Susan _did_ forget, in a way, and is now stuck in one of the other worlds. Would anyone want to read something along those lines?


End file.
